So, I'm having a pretty tough day. Very tearful and I feel like I am teedering on the edge of "the black hole". I hate it there. I guess the enormity of the hostile takeover of my shop/betrayal of my best friend, the crazy man who has homicidal thoughts about me, and the alien in my back has all caught up to me- finally. I knew this was coming sooner or later. So here I sit looking over the edge into the black hole, wondering if it feels better if you jump in and lay on the bottom.
I am also smack dab in the middle of my midlife crisis-as evidenced by my resent tattoo aquisition and the purchase of lacy underwear (which by the way, do not make you feel any more sexy than your cotton ones when you cough and wet your pants). For the longest time, I have felt like the best part of my life was coming-I've been waiting for the part that isnt so damn painful all of the time. I have been waiting for the blissful, joyful, blah, blah, blah part for as long as I can remember. I have come to realize that this is probably all there is for me, it is as good as its ever gonna be. Dont quite know what to do with that realization-hence the crisis. At the moment, the only thing I have to look forward to are the little artist trading cards that I get in the mail from other artists that I trade with-that's it.
As an "intuitive" in training, I know I pick up a lot of other peoples crap and carry it around as if it were my own. And I guess as an artist, I am suppose to be a tormented soul or something but geeze! it would be nice if people would keep their crap to themselves and if the universe could just get off of my back for a while . I am so tired of being the healer for everyone else. When do I get to heal damn it! When do I get some relief.
You would think that by age 44, I would have a clue as to what my purpose is on this planet. I DON'T and I have come to the conclusion, that I was not assigned one by whoever does that. I used to want to be someone important that did something meaningful, now I would just settle for something that makes sense. For my birthday, I am giving myself permission to stop trying to figure it out and just BE without a purpose.
I could probably ramble on for hours exploring things like betrayal, global warning, a husband who acts like he is 12, or why my flat butt and big boobs are so disporportionate but I must go and take my dog for a walk. No need to freak out-I am just venting today.
I love you all!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Just let it out Mom. Some people have thier moments of brillience and glory. And then there are some that realize the world is not perfect, and they just grin and bear it, and move onto the next day.
PS i think that there is something in that clean mountain air that is going to make your stir crazy.
Take a mini vacation!!!!
Vent Heidi, vent. I wish I could understand some of the statements you made. Betrayal, hostile takeover, homicidal man???? What the heck is going on???
Lori
Post a Comment